A Few Steps Forward On My Journey

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart....." Proverbs 3:5

Today is actually Wrennie Wednesday. However, I was so tired (I'm still not 100% after the flu last week and a very busy schedule this week) that I decided to do that post tomorrow. So, I went to bed early and waited for sweet sleep to come. It didn't. Instead came this post.

I've learned that when God begins to compose, I must be willing to transcribe, despite my plans or the time. So, I've left the security and comfort of my warm covers to openly bear my soul to you out of obedience to God.

God is doing a mighty work in me. He has the roots of my trust issues in His righteous right hand, and He has started pulling. The ground is loosening.

So far, here is what He has revealed to me: (Disclaimer - the roots are 25 years old. It seems quite strange, rather juvenile, to be talking about these things now. But, I'm finally at a place in my walk with Christ that I can understand the extensive impact of these events in my life. Not only understand them but also be completely healed and freed from them. And just for the record, my husband is aware of everything, and them some, of what I am going to share.)

When I was a teenager, I put a lot of faith and trust in my boyfriend C. He was a top priority for me for about 3 years. We were both Christians, and we primarily saw each other at youth group at church. We were both bold in sharing our faith in Christ at that time. Then, things changed, and my world was on very, very shaky ground.

What I learned from that experience was to always choose your friends over your boyfriend because friends will last forever, boyfriends won't. Unfortunately, this new truth didn't remain true for very long in my life! I was deeply hurt by some close Christian friends who were also in my youth group.

Fortunately, God wouldn't allow me to be bitter or to harbor unforgiveness. So, I moved on and eventually began dating again. Enter boyfriend D, someone new to my church youth group. Within a year, the same exact betrayal happened again with D and with the same Christian friends. Lesson learned....it is not safe to trust others so protect your heart and keep people at a safe distance to avoid being hurt again.

So, I began building the protective wall around my heart. Over the years, there have been times when I actually removed some pieces of the wall. But then, I would realize what I was doing and quickly put them back in place.

In the last month, God has really shown me what this wall has done to my life. My mistrust has managed to rear its ugly head in my relationship with my children. Not to mention the impact its had on my marriage. I'm sure my husband has felt like he was on an emotional roller coaster blindfolded - not knowing what was coming next!!!

This past Sunday night in our small group (that is doing the "Fireproof" marriage study), we were talking about addictions/parasites in our lives that can and will destroy our marriages. One of the ladies said that most people think of alcohol, drugs, pornography, etc. when talking about addictions. But she wanted us to think about ANYTHING that prevented us from giving our hearts COMPLETELY to our spouses. Immediately, God convicted me of the wall I had built around my heart!!! I never, ever thought of my trust issues in this light before! WOW! This was huge for me.

Unfortunately, I must also admit that my apprehension to fully trust has even spilled over into my relationship with the Lord.

But, God has brought us to "Nineveh" for healing. He's already started. The mere fact that I'm blogging about all of this is evidence of that.

I feel the need for a third dose of Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" Bible study coming on. (It's about breaking cycles of sin in our lives.) And wouldn't you know it, Beth has been working on an updated version to be released in just a few months. God's perfect timing. He and I have some serious work to do on my journey to learn to trust Him completely, and it's going to require access to my whole heart. So please excuse me. I've gotta run. I've just taken a new construction demolition job and I've got a pretty big wall to destroy.

Tonight I feel...

beat up by the enemy! That's the only way to describe it.

Anytime that I lead a Bible study or share what God is doing in my life with others, I have this mental battle with the enemy afterwards. He tries to convince me that I should not have said certain things. He tells me that what I said was misunderstood or taken the wrong way by others. He tries to turn my peace into a pit of regret. He tries to discourage me from sharing Christ again.

But, today, I did not teach or "formally" share with a group. Today, I hosted my daughter's birthday party.

Instead of having sunny 80 degree weather like last Saturday, we had cold (low 40s) and rainy weather today. This of course meant that all 14 of the precious, energetic (that's putting it mildly) children were in the house. For whatever reason, God wanted us inside.

I'll be honest, it was loud, chaotic (at times), and exhausting trying to "entertain" everyone. But, just as the party was winding down, I sensed God reminding me that "Nineveh" is my family's mission field. We have been called to share Him with this community, which does include the new friends that Faith Wrenn has made this year in public school.

Then God also reminded me that the house we live in belongs to HIM. So the 14 children who were here today were not in our house, they were in GOD'S HOUSE! A place that some of them have never been but were able to experience today because God lives here.

Now, the enemy has me replaying everything that happened today. He is trying to bury me in condemnation for the things that didn't go as planned. For the arguments that occurred. For allowing the kids to take over the house at times. For being a little relaxed with a house rule or two. For being more patient with other children than with my own.

The Bible says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

I'm going to eject the enemy's tape from my mind now and go to bed! Please pray that I do not put that same tape back in when I wake up in the morning.