And God Speaks Through Christian Fiction

Over the (Easter) weekend, my family and I went camping. Our relaxing trip allowed me to finally read "The Debt" by Angela Hunt. My mom told me months ago to read this book. I did check it out from our church library but didn't have time to read it. So, I returned it. But, a few weeks ago, I found myself checking it out again.

I now know why I wasn't able to read the book before this weekend... God's perfect timing! I needed to hear from God at the semi-silent retreat (last weekend) before I read the book (this weekend.)

Without giving anything away, I'll just say this book deals a lot with Christian "comfort zones" and what we miss if we choose to stay in them. SOUND FAMILIAR??!!! (If not, read previous post.) Yeah, God has really been showing me how my own comfort zone is hindering my walk with Him and the future He has planned for me.

Isn't God amazing??!!!

Please pray for me as I take the necessary steps to get out of my comfort zone. Pray that I will trust God enough to be uncomfortable for His will - NO MATTER WHAT HIS WILL IS AND NO MATTER WHERE IT MAY LEAD!

God Speaks Through Trail Mix and Hair Brushes...

This past weekend, I participated in a semi-silent retreat with 13 other ladies. We went to a conference center where we each had our own private room. We only met together (briefly) to be encouraged, share, sing, pray, and eat. The majority of the time, we were alone with God.

Have you ever tried to quiet your spirit and totally clear your mind? I'm talking about completely clearing your mind and only focusing on ONE thing - God.

On Friday night as I began to try to do this, the only thing that was clear to me was that my mind was ADHD and in serious need of spiritual Ritalin!!! My thoughts were jumping around like a competitive ping pong match.

Fortunately, our retreat leader Ruth gave us some material to help us focus. So I decided to read over what she gave us. One thing I read was a list of ways to focus on God from the book "Practicing the Presence of God." What caught my attention was the suggestion "to hum a hymn or chorus --- inaudibly." I was intrigued because I am NOT a music person - I cannot sing (maybe that's why it said to hum!!!LOL)

Anyway, God brought a song to my mind right then, and I kept hearing it play over and over again. Then, the next thing I read was directly related to the song playing in my head!!! God was speaking to me through the song and confirming it with written words! How powerful!

This continued all weekend. God would give me a new song and then show me something in His Word or in the focus material I was reading that was directly related to the song!!! I'm so glad that I journaled all of this because I do not ever want to forget the specifics of my time with God.

God also spoke in some other tangible ways. On Friday night, we each were given a goody bag filled with lots of treats. The first thing I ate was a bag of trail mix. I ate everything except the raisins - I do not like them.

As my time alone with God continued, I started going through a devotion book that Ruth gave us. The very first devotion was entitled "Help me to say yes... to any request ." A few things came to mind immediately that I knew God wanted me to do, but I hadn't done yet. So, I wrote them down. Then my eyes glanced at the bag of raisins. That's when God spoke to my spirit and said...

"That bag of raisins represents your obedience to Me lately. You have been picking and choosing what you want to do instead of doing EVERYTHING I have asked you to do. (OUCH!!!) I need you to trust Me with all your heart and surrender your will to Mine - completely."

Partial obedience is still disobedience. I've been doing only the things that were easy or that I liked. But, God has been calling me to do so much more. He wants me out of my comfort zone, completely dependent on Him, so He gets the glory instead of me.

On Saturday morning while getting ready for breakfast, I'm not even sure where this came from God brought to mind my hair brushes and other "utensils" I use to fix my hair. All 5 of them!That's right, count 'em 1,2,3,4,5!

Here's how the conversation with God went...

GOD: "Can you please explain why you use 5 "brushes" to fix your short hair?"

Me: "Aaaah.....Hmmm......well......I've never even thought about it. Let me think. Aaaah, because I have been doing it this way since high school. It's a habit I started back when I had really long hair, and I've just continued it."

GOD: "It's time for some new habits. And I'm not just talking about how you fix your hair!"

Me: "It's that comfort zone thing again, isn't it Lord?"

GOD: "Yes it is. You need to trust me with every single detail of your life so we can move forward - together. It's time for a new thing!"

WOW! The quality time God and I spent together sure made me feel loved. It also gave new meaning to "Be still and know that I am God."

I highly recommend spending some time alone with God today. If you listen, He will speak.

A Few Steps Forward On My Journey

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart....." Proverbs 3:5

Today is actually Wrennie Wednesday. However, I was so tired (I'm still not 100% after the flu last week and a very busy schedule this week) that I decided to do that post tomorrow. So, I went to bed early and waited for sweet sleep to come. It didn't. Instead came this post.

I've learned that when God begins to compose, I must be willing to transcribe, despite my plans or the time. So, I've left the security and comfort of my warm covers to openly bear my soul to you out of obedience to God.

God is doing a mighty work in me. He has the roots of my trust issues in His righteous right hand, and He has started pulling. The ground is loosening.

So far, here is what He has revealed to me: (Disclaimer - the roots are 25 years old. It seems quite strange, rather juvenile, to be talking about these things now. But, I'm finally at a place in my walk with Christ that I can understand the extensive impact of these events in my life. Not only understand them but also be completely healed and freed from them. And just for the record, my husband is aware of everything, and them some, of what I am going to share.)

When I was a teenager, I put a lot of faith and trust in my boyfriend C. He was a top priority for me for about 3 years. We were both Christians, and we primarily saw each other at youth group at church. We were both bold in sharing our faith in Christ at that time. Then, things changed, and my world was on very, very shaky ground.

What I learned from that experience was to always choose your friends over your boyfriend because friends will last forever, boyfriends won't. Unfortunately, this new truth didn't remain true for very long in my life! I was deeply hurt by some close Christian friends who were also in my youth group.

Fortunately, God wouldn't allow me to be bitter or to harbor unforgiveness. So, I moved on and eventually began dating again. Enter boyfriend D, someone new to my church youth group. Within a year, the same exact betrayal happened again with D and with the same Christian friends. Lesson learned....it is not safe to trust others so protect your heart and keep people at a safe distance to avoid being hurt again.

So, I began building the protective wall around my heart. Over the years, there have been times when I actually removed some pieces of the wall. But then, I would realize what I was doing and quickly put them back in place.

In the last month, God has really shown me what this wall has done to my life. My mistrust has managed to rear its ugly head in my relationship with my children. Not to mention the impact its had on my marriage. I'm sure my husband has felt like he was on an emotional roller coaster blindfolded - not knowing what was coming next!!!

This past Sunday night in our small group (that is doing the "Fireproof" marriage study), we were talking about addictions/parasites in our lives that can and will destroy our marriages. One of the ladies said that most people think of alcohol, drugs, pornography, etc. when talking about addictions. But she wanted us to think about ANYTHING that prevented us from giving our hearts COMPLETELY to our spouses. Immediately, God convicted me of the wall I had built around my heart!!! I never, ever thought of my trust issues in this light before! WOW! This was huge for me.

Unfortunately, I must also admit that my apprehension to fully trust has even spilled over into my relationship with the Lord.

But, God has brought us to "Nineveh" for healing. He's already started. The mere fact that I'm blogging about all of this is evidence of that.

I feel the need for a third dose of Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" Bible study coming on. (It's about breaking cycles of sin in our lives.) And wouldn't you know it, Beth has been working on an updated version to be released in just a few months. God's perfect timing. He and I have some serious work to do on my journey to learn to trust Him completely, and it's going to require access to my whole heart. So please excuse me. I've gotta run. I've just taken a new construction demolition job and I've got a pretty big wall to destroy.

19 years ago today...

I was attending Cal State Northridge (CSUN - located in the Los Angeles area) my sophomore year in college as part of the National Student Exchange Program and planning to transfer there permanently. That was my plan until I received the news from over 3000 miles away that would change my life forever.

While at work. my stepmom Rachel was killed - brutally murdered. The events that unfolded over the next two years were like nothing I could have ever imagined. People in my family were falsely accused - they were only proven innocent after enduring a death penalty trial.

Not only were our hearts breaking over the death of Rachel, but our family was ripped to pieces by the false accusations. It took years before I was able to really mourn losing Rachel. She and my dad had been married for over 10 years, and we were close.

We all coped the best we could. Unfortunately, the grief, numbness (at times I could literally feel NOTHING), anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness that my heart harbored left no room for the Holy Spirit. I chose what the world had to offer as my remedy - not God.

In another post I'll have to share how God's hand of protection was on me and how He used this period in my life as preparation for what was yet to come. He allowed me 13 years later to be in a somewhat similar situation and to have another opportunity to choose Him, instead of the world. Ohhh what a difference doing life God's way can make!!!!!

On my birthday 2 years ago, I received the best birthday present ever. It was a letter from my stepsister Angie! We had not spoken to each other in 17 years. Angie was my stepmom's only biological child, and Rachel's death absolutely devastated Angie as you can imagine.

In the letter, Angie told me that she had just accepted Jesus Christ as her personal Savior while in jail, and He had changed her life!!! WOW! If I had not been living in "Nineveh," I'm not sure that I would have ever received that letter. You see, our county allows you to look up people on the internet who have been arrested &/or are serving time in the jail. Someone told me that Angie was in the county jail so I looked her up. Sure enough, she was there.

Now here is how God works. On my route to take my children to school, I had to pass by that same jail - at least 4 times a day. I felt convicted to pray for her, and I did every time I drove by. Then, the Holy Spirit prompted me to send her a card to tell her that I had been praying for her. After hesitating initially, I finally sent the card.

In her letter, Angie told me that since she had become a Follower of Christ, she had started praying for me and my brother. She wrote...

"God had put you and S. (my brother) on my mind a lot lately. Especially the last 3 or 4 weeks before I got your card. I had started praying to God right before I got your card and 3 nights before I got it, I talked to God about you and S. So you can imagine how it made me feel when I saw your name on the card. I was so amazed. After 17 long years of no contact and only 3 nights after I talked to God about it.

But you see I have not reached out to God until I came in here. I really had been mad at God all these years. But now I realize that my life was saved when I was brought to jail."

My God is the Restorer of Relationships!

I do believe that I had to do my part and obey God in order to receive this blessing in this special way. And my journey of obedience started when I moved back to "Nineveh" 5 years ago.

So whatever it is that you know God wants you to do, DO IT!!! No more hesitation or justification - JUST DO IT!

"I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

#3 and I'm Complete

A Double Triple Dose of Dads

I grew up hearing people talk about my Dad #3. I was told that He loved me unconditionally and would forgive me, no matter what. I was told that He even wrote a Book for me that was full of instructions on how to live an abundant life. And then it happened. I finally got to meet Him for myself when I was 10 years old! I was soooo excited!

Like most new relationships, we spent a lot of time together, getting to know each other. I thought about Him all the time and constantly talked about Him to other people. I wanted to do things that would please Him, make Him proud of me. I thought the more I did, the more He would love me. I also thought that when I messed up, He was ready and waiting to punish me -after all, I deserved it.

Over the years, I allowed my imperfection to take its toll on our relationship. I didn't spend much time with Him anymore. Oh, I knew He was there, but I chose other people and other things over Him. However, I always knew that when I finished college and got married, He would be an important part of my life again.

What I didn't expect were the horrific events that took place my sophomore and junior years in college. "Lifetime" could have made a movie about it!!! Unfortunately not having a close relationship with Him during this time resulted in some very poor decisions on my part. I was simply in survival mode - the world's way. Even then, He never left my side. He protected me.

Finally, my life began to settle down. I got married and invited Him to be a more active part of my life, especially when challenges arose. He was always there, no matter my motive. Then, I had children and my communication with Him become more consistent. A few of the scales were removed from my eyes, and my hard heart was beginning to thaw.

In 2002 while taking my very first women's Bible study (Beth Moore's "Breaking Free"), my relationship with Him went to an entirely new level!!! And the healing began.

Since then, He has healed me from.....

- the lies that I believed about Him for so long (He was an angry judge just waiting to sentence me for my sins; He wouldn't love me or allow me to approach Him until I was perfect, etc.)

- the sins I committed because of the lies that I believed, both about Him and about life; You know, the thoughts we have and the things we believe (right or wrong) play themselves out in the choices that we make and the actions that we take.

- my bitterness, anger, disappointment, unforgiveness, perfectionism, control issues, etc.

- expecting other people to meet all of my needs; That's God's job, not anyone else's. This realization has been huge for me. It has allowed me to let people, especially my husband, off the hook. I've learned to turn to God first.

He healed me by extending His love, mercy, forgiveness & grace to me. He replaced the lies that I believed with truth, His Truth from His Word. He turned my anger & bitterness into joy.

So without further adue, let me introduce you to my Heavenly Father, my Savior, my Counselor, my Everything......

He is my Creator; my Abba Father (& yours)- 39 years ago today, I was born. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:13-14

He is my Protector (& yours) Our house burned down when I was just one year old. We lost everything (all my baby pictures - which is why I take so many pics now!; the Easter dress my Granny had made for me; all of our worldly possessions), but we did NOT lose each other!!! No one was at home when an electrical problem started the fire.

He is my Triune God (& yours) He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit all wrapped into one. The character of God is so vast that it's hard to wrap our little brains around it. The concept of the Trinity reminds me of an egg, to be tangible about it. An egg is made up of 3 parts - the yoke, the white, and the shell. These 3 parts come together to form 1 egg, not 3 separate items. Each part has its own purpose to fulfill, and an egg wouldn't be an egg without each part. God is the same way. He is The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit - each with His own special purpose to fulfill.

When I am afraid or in over my head, He is my Rescuer and my Comforter (& yours.) He is always with me (& you.) "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

He is my Redeemer and my Savior (& yours) God loved us sooooooo much that He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins so we could be forgiven and have eternal life with Him. "God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21.

He is my "Change Agent" (& yours) He loves me (& you) way too much to let me (& you) remain the same. So, He is constantly molding me, stretching me, and transforming me into the likeness of His Son.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

"Yet, O Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." Isaiah 64:8
I'm praying that God will use me as His hands in ministry to those around me, and that my life will be a reflection of God's handy work. May the imprint of God on my life be used for His glory.

He is my Gift Giver (& yours.) God gave me a birthday present today...I have a daily Bible verse calendar that I read everyday. Today's verse said, "...the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." WOW! What a gift!!! "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

And this is just the INTRODUCTION of who God is!!! I will be posting more about God and His attributes at least twice a month - more or less depending on the Holy Spirit's promptings.

So, how has God revealed Himself to you?

6 Years Ago Today...

I believe that God had me start this blog as a way to remember. Time and time again in the Bible, especially in the Old Testament, the Israelites would have an encounter with God and then build an altar to Him so they would never forget Him or what He had done for them. They used these altars as places of worship and places of remembrance. They used them as visual, tangible reminders so they could tell their children, grandchildren, and generations to come about God.

That is what I want my blog to be - a visual, tangible reminder of what God has done in my life and what He can/will do in the lives of generations to come. God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

So, God is using this particular time of year with its many anniversary dates of major events and people in my life to build this written altar to Him as a fragrant offering of praise on my journey to learn how to completely trust Him.

Six years ago today, February 28, 2003, was a cloudy Friday. Shawn was at work. Tanner was at school. Faith Wrenn and I were at church doing some fun activities with my friends and their children.

On the way to church that morning, I had called my husband Shawn (I'm going to call him SS from now on), but he couldn't talk because he was in a meeting. He said he would call me back. It was now lunch time, and I hadn't heard back from him. So, I tried calling him but no answer. Odd. He had a pager and a cell phone due to his job as an investigator at the sheriff's dept. He rarely missed a call. I called a few more times and still no answer.

An uneasy feeling surfaced. Actually, I had been dealing with some very strong emotions lately but had attributed them to some anniversary dates that were approaching. I thought God was having me deal with some unresolved issues from an event that I'll blog about on March 14. I now know that God was preparing me for what was about to happen, not something from the past.

Anyway, I shared my concerns with my good friend Leann who trusted my instincts. She decided that we should take our children to lunch at McDonald's near my house. She did this so our children could play at the indoor playground while I ran to my house to make some phone calls to try to reach SS.

I called SS's immediate supervisor who assured me that SS was fine, but he was still in a meeting. Red flags began to fly!!! Something was wrong - very, very wrong. It was lunch time on a Friday afternoon and the chances of a "regular" meeting lasting this long were slim to none.

Several hours later, I finally got a call from SS. My instructions were to get him an attorney NOW! He wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but he was being falsely accused of something because of his friendship with a co-worker who had been videotaped engaging in some questionable behavior.

As you can imagine, my heart dropped and I wanted to throw up! Instead, I prayed, called an attorney, and then called my parents to ask them to come get Tanner and Faith Wrenn. I spent that night alone, journaling, crying out to God, and gaining strength from Him. SS spent the night in jail.

Today, February 28, 2009, is 6 years later. SS and I spent the day together at a marriage conference hosted by Focus on the Family. We heard some incredible speakers and learned some "meaty" truths from God's Word. Honestly, SS and I were deeply touched and cried several times as the Holy Spirit moved us. (Don't tell him I told you that!) I know I'm writing the great American novel, but I have to share some of the things that we heard today. Gary Thomas, the author of "Sacred Marriage," said God designed marriage to make us holy, more so than to make us happy. He said it's not about the "how to" but it's about the "HEART to." He also said that marriage becomes the best way for us to worship God. We must love each other out of reverence to God.

Beth Moore said over and over and over again...FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!! A good fight is a fight FOR your marriage, not with your spouse. She said a lot of powerful things, especially to the wives. But, the last thing she said keeps playing over in my mind. Her husband had made a comment about what his life may have been like if a certain event had not happened when he was a young child. Then Beth said that God spoke these words through her to her husband... You are a much neater person healed than you would have been just being well. Being a miracle gives people hope! WOW!!! How profound!!!

Del Tackett - Ephesians 5 - Wives submit to your husbands - Submission is an attribute or characteristic of God. It is His nature and we are called to be like Him! What a privilege we wives have, despite what the world would have us believe.

Gary Smalley was hilarious. He said the quality of our lives depend on our relationship with God. When we try to change our spouse to improve our quality of life, we are saying that Jesus Christ is not enough. Also, when people say things like "I don't love my spouse anymore" or "I'm not in love with my spouse anymore," they never had God's love in the first place because God's love NEVER ends, etc. (See 1 Corinthians 13.)

Lastly, John Trent talked about making small changes to impact big problems. He refers to this as the 2 degree difference. I would recommend visiting his website at http://www.strongfamilies.com/ for more details. He also told us to start blessing our spouses.

Speaking of marriage, SS and I both agree that if the events that began 6 years ago today had not happened, then we most likely would not be married today. SS will readily tell you that 6 years ago, his 1st, 2nd, & 3rd priority was his job; it was his mistress. He viewed his role in the family as strictly being the provider. He worked so much extra duty that the kids and I rarely saw him.

But God changed all of that. Not in a way that we would have chosen, but in a way that was very necessary. And looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.

The first Scripture that God gave me when all of this started was James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (Did I mention that I had been praying for joy before all of this started??!!!)

I will share more details of our story as God leads. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

In the Beginning...

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to move away from "Nineveh" and live somewhere else. As early as 3rd grade, I used to daydream about living in another city, another state. Before the internet, we actually had to get our factual information from books - what a novel idea! Anyway, we were fortunate enough to have a set of encyclopedias at our house. I can remember looking up various places and reading about them in the encyclopedia. I began to plot and plan my escape then.

Enter reality. Every time I have tried to move away, God has SLAMMED the door shut. He has been gracious enough to let me travel to a lot of states and even go to college for a year in California on an exchange program. But, when I have tried to move away to another state, something major has happened every time.

I am very thankful that God did allow me to live about an hour outside of "Nineveh" for 16 years. What a difference an hour can make!

Anyway, I don't really know why living in "Nineveh" is so hard for me. But it is! We have lived here nearly 5 years now, and I still struggle. Maybe it's the small town mentality - only "Nineveh" has grown by leaps and bounds. Maybe it's the lack of things to do & places to go - only "Nineveh" is surrounded by larger cities with lots to do. Maybe it's flashbacks to high school where bored kids used their vivid imaginations to create rumors for excitement & I want my children to avoid that - only that happens everywhere. Maybe it's pride because I said I would never live here again - only it's not about me; it's about God. Honestly at this point, I don't really have an answer.

Enter trust. God is calling me to trust Him with all of my heart, especially when I don't understand. I have struggled with trust for most of my life. Just recently, God has connected some of the dots for me and revealed that my struggle to trust others (& ultimately Him) began right here in "Nineveh" when I was a teenager. Maybe one of the reasons God has brought me back here is so He and I can tackle this issue and pull it out by the roots from the exact spot it was planted all those years ago. What a mighty God we serve!!!