A Few Steps Forward On My Journey

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart....." Proverbs 3:5

Today is actually Wrennie Wednesday. However, I was so tired (I'm still not 100% after the flu last week and a very busy schedule this week) that I decided to do that post tomorrow. So, I went to bed early and waited for sweet sleep to come. It didn't. Instead came this post.

I've learned that when God begins to compose, I must be willing to transcribe, despite my plans or the time. So, I've left the security and comfort of my warm covers to openly bear my soul to you out of obedience to God.

God is doing a mighty work in me. He has the roots of my trust issues in His righteous right hand, and He has started pulling. The ground is loosening.

So far, here is what He has revealed to me: (Disclaimer - the roots are 25 years old. It seems quite strange, rather juvenile, to be talking about these things now. But, I'm finally at a place in my walk with Christ that I can understand the extensive impact of these events in my life. Not only understand them but also be completely healed and freed from them. And just for the record, my husband is aware of everything, and them some, of what I am going to share.)

When I was a teenager, I put a lot of faith and trust in my boyfriend C. He was a top priority for me for about 3 years. We were both Christians, and we primarily saw each other at youth group at church. We were both bold in sharing our faith in Christ at that time. Then, things changed, and my world was on very, very shaky ground.

What I learned from that experience was to always choose your friends over your boyfriend because friends will last forever, boyfriends won't. Unfortunately, this new truth didn't remain true for very long in my life! I was deeply hurt by some close Christian friends who were also in my youth group.

Fortunately, God wouldn't allow me to be bitter or to harbor unforgiveness. So, I moved on and eventually began dating again. Enter boyfriend D, someone new to my church youth group. Within a year, the same exact betrayal happened again with D and with the same Christian friends. Lesson learned....it is not safe to trust others so protect your heart and keep people at a safe distance to avoid being hurt again.

So, I began building the protective wall around my heart. Over the years, there have been times when I actually removed some pieces of the wall. But then, I would realize what I was doing and quickly put them back in place.

In the last month, God has really shown me what this wall has done to my life. My mistrust has managed to rear its ugly head in my relationship with my children. Not to mention the impact its had on my marriage. I'm sure my husband has felt like he was on an emotional roller coaster blindfolded - not knowing what was coming next!!!

This past Sunday night in our small group (that is doing the "Fireproof" marriage study), we were talking about addictions/parasites in our lives that can and will destroy our marriages. One of the ladies said that most people think of alcohol, drugs, pornography, etc. when talking about addictions. But she wanted us to think about ANYTHING that prevented us from giving our hearts COMPLETELY to our spouses. Immediately, God convicted me of the wall I had built around my heart!!! I never, ever thought of my trust issues in this light before! WOW! This was huge for me.

Unfortunately, I must also admit that my apprehension to fully trust has even spilled over into my relationship with the Lord.

But, God has brought us to "Nineveh" for healing. He's already started. The mere fact that I'm blogging about all of this is evidence of that.

I feel the need for a third dose of Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" Bible study coming on. (It's about breaking cycles of sin in our lives.) And wouldn't you know it, Beth has been working on an updated version to be released in just a few months. God's perfect timing. He and I have some serious work to do on my journey to learn to trust Him completely, and it's going to require access to my whole heart. So please excuse me. I've gotta run. I've just taken a new construction demolition job and I've got a pretty big wall to destroy.

6 Years Ago Today...

I believe that God had me start this blog as a way to remember. Time and time again in the Bible, especially in the Old Testament, the Israelites would have an encounter with God and then build an altar to Him so they would never forget Him or what He had done for them. They used these altars as places of worship and places of remembrance. They used them as visual, tangible reminders so they could tell their children, grandchildren, and generations to come about God.

That is what I want my blog to be - a visual, tangible reminder of what God has done in my life and what He can/will do in the lives of generations to come. God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

So, God is using this particular time of year with its many anniversary dates of major events and people in my life to build this written altar to Him as a fragrant offering of praise on my journey to learn how to completely trust Him.

Six years ago today, February 28, 2003, was a cloudy Friday. Shawn was at work. Tanner was at school. Faith Wrenn and I were at church doing some fun activities with my friends and their children.

On the way to church that morning, I had called my husband Shawn (I'm going to call him SS from now on), but he couldn't talk because he was in a meeting. He said he would call me back. It was now lunch time, and I hadn't heard back from him. So, I tried calling him but no answer. Odd. He had a pager and a cell phone due to his job as an investigator at the sheriff's dept. He rarely missed a call. I called a few more times and still no answer.

An uneasy feeling surfaced. Actually, I had been dealing with some very strong emotions lately but had attributed them to some anniversary dates that were approaching. I thought God was having me deal with some unresolved issues from an event that I'll blog about on March 14. I now know that God was preparing me for what was about to happen, not something from the past.

Anyway, I shared my concerns with my good friend Leann who trusted my instincts. She decided that we should take our children to lunch at McDonald's near my house. She did this so our children could play at the indoor playground while I ran to my house to make some phone calls to try to reach SS.

I called SS's immediate supervisor who assured me that SS was fine, but he was still in a meeting. Red flags began to fly!!! Something was wrong - very, very wrong. It was lunch time on a Friday afternoon and the chances of a "regular" meeting lasting this long were slim to none.

Several hours later, I finally got a call from SS. My instructions were to get him an attorney NOW! He wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but he was being falsely accused of something because of his friendship with a co-worker who had been videotaped engaging in some questionable behavior.

As you can imagine, my heart dropped and I wanted to throw up! Instead, I prayed, called an attorney, and then called my parents to ask them to come get Tanner and Faith Wrenn. I spent that night alone, journaling, crying out to God, and gaining strength from Him. SS spent the night in jail.

Today, February 28, 2009, is 6 years later. SS and I spent the day together at a marriage conference hosted by Focus on the Family. We heard some incredible speakers and learned some "meaty" truths from God's Word. Honestly, SS and I were deeply touched and cried several times as the Holy Spirit moved us. (Don't tell him I told you that!) I know I'm writing the great American novel, but I have to share some of the things that we heard today. Gary Thomas, the author of "Sacred Marriage," said God designed marriage to make us holy, more so than to make us happy. He said it's not about the "how to" but it's about the "HEART to." He also said that marriage becomes the best way for us to worship God. We must love each other out of reverence to God.

Beth Moore said over and over and over again...FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!! A good fight is a fight FOR your marriage, not with your spouse. She said a lot of powerful things, especially to the wives. But, the last thing she said keeps playing over in my mind. Her husband had made a comment about what his life may have been like if a certain event had not happened when he was a young child. Then Beth said that God spoke these words through her to her husband... You are a much neater person healed than you would have been just being well. Being a miracle gives people hope! WOW!!! How profound!!!

Del Tackett - Ephesians 5 - Wives submit to your husbands - Submission is an attribute or characteristic of God. It is His nature and we are called to be like Him! What a privilege we wives have, despite what the world would have us believe.

Gary Smalley was hilarious. He said the quality of our lives depend on our relationship with God. When we try to change our spouse to improve our quality of life, we are saying that Jesus Christ is not enough. Also, when people say things like "I don't love my spouse anymore" or "I'm not in love with my spouse anymore," they never had God's love in the first place because God's love NEVER ends, etc. (See 1 Corinthians 13.)

Lastly, John Trent talked about making small changes to impact big problems. He refers to this as the 2 degree difference. I would recommend visiting his website at http://www.strongfamilies.com/ for more details. He also told us to start blessing our spouses.

Speaking of marriage, SS and I both agree that if the events that began 6 years ago today had not happened, then we most likely would not be married today. SS will readily tell you that 6 years ago, his 1st, 2nd, & 3rd priority was his job; it was his mistress. He viewed his role in the family as strictly being the provider. He worked so much extra duty that the kids and I rarely saw him.

But God changed all of that. Not in a way that we would have chosen, but in a way that was very necessary. And looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.

The first Scripture that God gave me when all of this started was James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (Did I mention that I had been praying for joy before all of this started??!!!)

I will share more details of our story as God leads. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.